Long time no post. Guess that is a good thing since I only really post when I'm not doing too well. So whats up this time, Post Christmas blues. Constantly being overlooked, used when it suits others. Pretty much fed up. No time to myself, no time to do what I enjoy. But I guess that is my life now. Don't get me wrong I love my little girl to pieces but it gets slightly tiresome when everything I do is wrong and she wants her mummy because I'm "upsetting" her. Yes thats right the words of a 2 year old. I'm upsetting her. Why she doesn't just get a knife and stick it in my heart and twist it I don't know.
Yes I know, she doesn't mean anything by it and I am probably just being a big tart but that is more to do with where I am at the moment than anything else. I just want a break, life to say, yeah you've busted a gut here's a reward for it. But I really can't see it happening.
Anyway thats me for now, I smell a pooey nappy that needs changed.
Paul
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Amazing....
... a post that is being made at a normal hour.
There isn't really any sort of reason for it either. I just thought I should post something. So whats going on with me? I've made a decision to do something kinda major. I'm setting myself a target of completing the Great North Bike Ride next year, which means a lot of hard work between then and now and hopefully a bit of lost weight, not sure I could drag this hulking great frame for 50 odd miles in one day any time soon. So I'm just waiting for my cycle to work vouchers then cycle it is. At least 3 times a week. I may even make Christine fine me any week that I don't complete at least 10 miles on the bike.
So how is my mood I hear you all ask? (No fucker reads this who am I kidding) Its not too bad at the minute although my wife would probably say different, I'm pretty up and down to be fair but its more like a really tame kids rollercoaster rather than a big American thrill ride, so that does me. Hopefully the exercise will help.
Oh and a bit of good news I have a new phone, I'm now the proud owner of an HTC Diamond, which means if the mood so takes me I can even update this blog wherever the hell I am.
I also have a photography blog going on somewhere but can't remember the address of it at the moment, when I can remember I'll post a link, for now...... Ta ta
Paul
There isn't really any sort of reason for it either. I just thought I should post something. So whats going on with me? I've made a decision to do something kinda major. I'm setting myself a target of completing the Great North Bike Ride next year, which means a lot of hard work between then and now and hopefully a bit of lost weight, not sure I could drag this hulking great frame for 50 odd miles in one day any time soon. So I'm just waiting for my cycle to work vouchers then cycle it is. At least 3 times a week. I may even make Christine fine me any week that I don't complete at least 10 miles on the bike.
So how is my mood I hear you all ask? (No fucker reads this who am I kidding) Its not too bad at the minute although my wife would probably say different, I'm pretty up and down to be fair but its more like a really tame kids rollercoaster rather than a big American thrill ride, so that does me. Hopefully the exercise will help.
Oh and a bit of good news I have a new phone, I'm now the proud owner of an HTC Diamond, which means if the mood so takes me I can even update this blog wherever the hell I am.
I also have a photography blog going on somewhere but can't remember the address of it at the moment, when I can remember I'll post a link, for now...... Ta ta
Paul
Friday, 5 September 2008
Its been a while since I posted and I'm up and about at silly hours on my own, actually its not too bad its not past midnight yet.
Well things at the minute aren't too shabby, don't get me wrong they aren't great but they aren't bad either. Work sucks cock, I think I'm heading back to the sort of work load I had just before my mini breakdown but appear to be coping with it better. Either that or I really don't care anymore.
The stress of the vipers presentation was a bit of a pain last weekend but I'm trying not to take criticism too personally but to be honest it is tough, I put a lot of hard work in and people just shoot it down in flames.
Actually I have some more work to do on it so should probably go and do that instead.
Till next time
Paul
Well things at the minute aren't too shabby, don't get me wrong they aren't great but they aren't bad either. Work sucks cock, I think I'm heading back to the sort of work load I had just before my mini breakdown but appear to be coping with it better. Either that or I really don't care anymore.
The stress of the vipers presentation was a bit of a pain last weekend but I'm trying not to take criticism too personally but to be honest it is tough, I put a lot of hard work in and people just shoot it down in flames.
Actually I have some more work to do on it so should probably go and do that instead.
Till next time
Paul
Sunday, 17 August 2008
Low
So why is it that something so simple can blow up so big?
Or make you realise something that you probably knew all along.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this life I chose, but can't change that now.
I have to stand up and try not to fuck it up too much,
well no more than I already have.
How do I do that?
If I knew that then I wouldn't feel like this.
I'm sure I've said that I'll make changes before and they never happen,
so why will they this time?
I don't know that they will.
But I don't know if I can go on like this.
The feeling of self loathing caused by one look of fear and hatred,
Hopefully that can be the catalyst that I need,
If not then I really don't deserve what I have and I will then have another decision to make.
I must do what is best for others and not myself.
P
Or make you realise something that you probably knew all along.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this life I chose, but can't change that now.
I have to stand up and try not to fuck it up too much,
well no more than I already have.
How do I do that?
If I knew that then I wouldn't feel like this.
I'm sure I've said that I'll make changes before and they never happen,
so why will they this time?
I don't know that they will.
But I don't know if I can go on like this.
The feeling of self loathing caused by one look of fear and hatred,
Hopefully that can be the catalyst that I need,
If not then I really don't deserve what I have and I will then have another decision to make.
I must do what is best for others and not myself.
P
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Still plodding
OK so the something big hasn't happened yet but I still feel it is coming. I really hope it is something good and not something bad. God that would suck. I feel like I am due a break, not that I am owed one just that I am due one.
As I've said before I don't have it that bad, but it could certainly be a whole lot better.
Big announcement at work this week and a load of jobs are going, unfortunately not mine. Its weird I'm jealous of people that are getting made redundant. I feel it would help me out a lot. 6 months wages a fresh start. I could even afford to go do teacher training (that is how desperate I am for a change and eventually more money), simply because I can't do. And those who can't..... teach. And those who can't teach teach gym (sorry jack black or who ever wrote that line).
As you can tell the post of this entry is far lighter than the previous one, I do feel a lot better in myself, I've kind of come to terms a little that my job sucks and I've got to get on with it until I get something better. Nearly wrote until something better comes along but remembered that things don't come along. You've got to go find them.
OK so it's 6 days until my daughter turns 2 and today I changed her cot into a bed. Where the hell has the last 2 years gone. Its funny you never believe your parents when they tell you to make the most of them being small because its all over so fast but it is so very true. It doesn't seem like yesterday that I held her so tentatively for the first time, not quite believing she was real. Now she is all too real. My living room is testament to that. Its amazing how much crap you accumulate for one so small. But hey she's just unbelievably perfect. I say perfect but I mean as close to as you can humanly get. She doesn't have a remote so you can turn her down when you're trying to do something but she's pretty good.
Anyway gonna go watch Reign over me now. That's 2 posts now. I bet I don't make it to 10!
As I've said before I don't have it that bad, but it could certainly be a whole lot better.
Big announcement at work this week and a load of jobs are going, unfortunately not mine. Its weird I'm jealous of people that are getting made redundant. I feel it would help me out a lot. 6 months wages a fresh start. I could even afford to go do teacher training (that is how desperate I am for a change and eventually more money), simply because I can't do. And those who can't..... teach. And those who can't teach teach gym (sorry jack black or who ever wrote that line).
As you can tell the post of this entry is far lighter than the previous one, I do feel a lot better in myself, I've kind of come to terms a little that my job sucks and I've got to get on with it until I get something better. Nearly wrote until something better comes along but remembered that things don't come along. You've got to go find them.
OK so it's 6 days until my daughter turns 2 and today I changed her cot into a bed. Where the hell has the last 2 years gone. Its funny you never believe your parents when they tell you to make the most of them being small because its all over so fast but it is so very true. It doesn't seem like yesterday that I held her so tentatively for the first time, not quite believing she was real. Now she is all too real. My living room is testament to that. Its amazing how much crap you accumulate for one so small. But hey she's just unbelievably perfect. I say perfect but I mean as close to as you can humanly get. She doesn't have a remote so you can turn her down when you're trying to do something but she's pretty good.
Anyway gonna go watch Reign over me now. That's 2 posts now. I bet I don't make it to 10!
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Drifting
Ok so here I am, I wanted to get this down somewhere, I just woke up from what appears to be the latest in a long installment of very lucid dreams. Not that there appears to be any sort of themes to the dreams (not that I can remember but I guess that is one of the reasons I am writing this one down).
In this one I was in a car and I was under the impression that I was driving the car although it appeared I was in the back of said vehicle, which made it difficult to control as there were 2 people in front of me so even seeing past them was a little difficult. One of the 2 people kept on commenting on the standard of the driving whilst the other was kind of apathetic to the situation saying things like, 'I don't know how you put up with comments like that', 'I suppose he's doing the best that he can', then suddenly it appears I'm not in control and the apathetic one is. Next thing I know is belittling person is wrestling the wheel from apathetic person and with a manic grin on their face is just turning the wheel and hammering on the accelerator really battling with the apathetic one and I'm shouting for them to stop.
At this point I kind of woke with a start. Now I can remember the names of the people and both do have significant input in my life at the moment (probably not in the long term though) but I am not going to publish their for fear of later reprisals. I'm also not one to read too much into dreams but my life seems to be a bit of a mess at the moment.
Its weird, I love my wife and my little girl is the sun that my earth revolves around, even if that sun can be a complete and utter pain in my ass. My wife, well she's my wife, complicated but so simple at the same time. My work life sucks, I seem to have lost all impetus for a job I used to love, and the business itself seems insipid to the people that have made it such a success. Trying to milk cows that have long since given up their last drop and really need to go spend some time in a field eating grass and enjoying the sun. I still enjoy my hobbies such as my photography and even have someone egging me on to do new and interesting things but still struggle.
The way I feel could be more to do with the raging headaches and illness I have suffered over the last 5 days and to a certain extent am still experiencing now. But I can't help but feel there is something big gonna happen soon and I need to be ready for it. I hope that is what my body is doing getting all this crapness out the way so I can make the most of the good stuff.
I have to admit I really don't know why I am writing this here but had an overwhelming urge to get it down so here it is. I may never write here again. Who knows.
For now however farewell.
In this one I was in a car and I was under the impression that I was driving the car although it appeared I was in the back of said vehicle, which made it difficult to control as there were 2 people in front of me so even seeing past them was a little difficult. One of the 2 people kept on commenting on the standard of the driving whilst the other was kind of apathetic to the situation saying things like, 'I don't know how you put up with comments like that', 'I suppose he's doing the best that he can', then suddenly it appears I'm not in control and the apathetic one is. Next thing I know is belittling person is wrestling the wheel from apathetic person and with a manic grin on their face is just turning the wheel and hammering on the accelerator really battling with the apathetic one and I'm shouting for them to stop.
At this point I kind of woke with a start. Now I can remember the names of the people and both do have significant input in my life at the moment (probably not in the long term though) but I am not going to publish their for fear of later reprisals. I'm also not one to read too much into dreams but my life seems to be a bit of a mess at the moment.
Its weird, I love my wife and my little girl is the sun that my earth revolves around, even if that sun can be a complete and utter pain in my ass. My wife, well she's my wife, complicated but so simple at the same time. My work life sucks, I seem to have lost all impetus for a job I used to love, and the business itself seems insipid to the people that have made it such a success. Trying to milk cows that have long since given up their last drop and really need to go spend some time in a field eating grass and enjoying the sun. I still enjoy my hobbies such as my photography and even have someone egging me on to do new and interesting things but still struggle.
The way I feel could be more to do with the raging headaches and illness I have suffered over the last 5 days and to a certain extent am still experiencing now. But I can't help but feel there is something big gonna happen soon and I need to be ready for it. I hope that is what my body is doing getting all this crapness out the way so I can make the most of the good stuff.
I have to admit I really don't know why I am writing this here but had an overwhelming urge to get it down so here it is. I may never write here again. Who knows.
For now however farewell.
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